Thursday, June 25, 2009
This morning I walked along the edge of the woods, I wanted to go into the woods, but felt that maybe I wasnt ready to climb over broken trees, and rotten logs that laid on the ground. Maybe I wasnt ready to fight the briars that would reach out and grab me, prickling me with their thorns, but soon, soon I will be back going through my daily walks in the woods.
I reflected on alot of things this morning but the main thing was my recovery from the accident. Sure it was long, and rather rough at times. I cried many tears, had quite a good many break downs, and was filled with so much anger the first couple of months after getting out of the hospital.
I reflected on all that I had been through, material things that I had lost and physical things that I had lost. The material things was certainly my Blazer, but the physical, was the love I had for one man. Well honestly, I cannot say I lost that love, because it is still here deep in my heart, but I lost the relationship I had with him. It was hard for both of us to accept the fact that the higher powers took away from us many dreams and plans, and because of my own selfishness and my own insecurites I pushed him away into the arms of another.
I bent over and picked up a dandelion whose yellow blossom had given way to the soft white grey fuzz ball. Like a child, I made a wish and blew the fuzz off the ball. All my fuzzies blew into the air. My wish would come true now. I then had a wonderful thought. I picked up another stem of dead dandelion with the fuzz ball. As I held it between my fingers, I looked at each little fuzz, and I reflected once again. The therapy I went through with the brain injury was now behind me, and today its like I never even had one. The scar on my back, is still visible, and will always be there, but I cant see it. Maybe, just maybe, if I cant see it, I will forget it is there. The heartache that I feel sometimes from losing the one I fell so deeply inlove with, still likes to linger from time to time. The hell and pain I put my family through has now resolved to happiness among us once again, and we all can look back and know that we all have been forgiven and continue on with our lives. I look back, and remember his words exactly to me, when he told me that he had moved on and I told him I would too...truth is I have moved on but I still think so much about him. As I looked at that fuzz ball in my hand and each little fuzzy on it, I spoke each problem I had out loud to each little speck of fuzz. The other day I learned that HE is happy now. After we both knew that we had lost eachother I only begged for happiness for him because in the condition I was in, I could not offer him that happiness. I had wished one evening for him to be happy again, and my wish came true. I can talk to him and still tell him my deepest fears, and I can be myself and he never judges me for that. I can tell him my deepest, darkest, secrets and he doesnt shy away from them. We still speak the I Love You's and the I miss You's but each night I know he lays down with her.
So as I reflect back, its not necessarily the physical pain that still lingers with me, but the pain of loving and losing and not being able to be in control of emotions. Some would say that overcoming the physical pain would be the hardest for them. For me, it was the pain pills that eased the physical pain, but the oxycontin, the oxycodone, the lortabs, and even the morphine pills when I first got out of the hospital could never take away the pain of a heart ache.
I have regained my mobility back fully, and I have regained all I had lost physically. Im as good as new. It took 5 months, but what the hell, it was a long 5 months but with each baby step I made, I came closer and closer to overcoming all that hindered me.
I know the hell I have put my friends and family through over the last few months. The anger bursts I would have, I look back on and see what an idiot I had been. I was always so confident, yet the accident left me with many insecurites. It was with those insecurities that I pushed him away. But never once did he give up on the friendship, he held on to that, and never once did he neglect me or stop checking in on me. He may have another now, and he truly deserves the best, but the thing I think Im most thankful of...is the bond we have, the strong bond of friendship that no one could ever break. Maybe we were put through a test. Did we fail? No, not at all, we passed with a perfect score because we held on to the most important part of what we had...our friendship.
I held my fuzzy ball by the stem in my hand, tears wanted to pool in my eyes, but I fought them back. With each thought and each problem I had just announced to each little fuzzy, I then blew it hard. I blew those negative thoughts, all the sorrow I had been feeling, and all the lonliness into the air. They were free now. I stood and watched every little fuzzy float through the air that carried my thoughts and emotions. A few continued to fly into the distance I could no longer see. A few floated to its final resting place on the ground, and one...I kid you not, landed just above my left breast on top of my heart. I let it rest there for a moment...not sure which sorrow that fuzz held or even if it was a sorrow, but to me, it seemed that as if it was symbolizing no matter how hard I try and forget and blow HIM away, He will always be in my heart and we will always be best friends.
Today I confess....He will always be my best friend no matter where our love flows. Thank You Doc!