Tuesday, October 13, 2009

New Blog

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After much thought, I decided on a new blog. I really miss blogging and with the cooler temps coming in, im sure I will be back to blogging non stop once again.
Confessions of a Georgia Belle was meant to be a theraputic blog for me, to sort out
the feelings, thoughts and insecurities of my accident. With that behind me now, I decided just start a new blog.
My devoted readers, my followers, please continue to follow me at the link provided here http://haleyselay.blogspot.com/
Or you can click on the banner on the left side.
Thank you all for following me, and helping me heal through the most trying year of my life!

Haley

Thursday, September 3, 2009

New Beginnings

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I know it has been a couple of months since I have blogged. Truth be known, I just got to the point where I just didnt feel like it. Im not sure I can really explain that because during my time of absence I kept a written journal. I think it was more or less I had some private issues and I just didnt feel the world should read. My recovery has been a long journey, a journey I suppose Im still traveling. I had a spinal fusion last month to correct some vertebraes in my back from the accident in Janurary. Since then I cannot stress how much better I have felt. In a way I feel like a new person. In these last couple of months, I have gone back to work on the farm, and I have been ejoying life to the fullest. I think it is all behind me now and I can concentrate with getting on with my life. Although my accident was a major set back in life, I learned a few things from it.

I learned just how much I love my family and how much my family loves me. We all became one. We exchanged harsh words and we shared tears but through it all we became closer than we ever were. I thank my sister for babying me the way she did because truth be known she was who I turned to the most when I hurt the worst inside and out. She gave up her family to see to my needs, hold me when I needed to be held, dried my tears when I couldnt control them, helped dress me when my body was too broken. she worked with me overcoming my disabilities and she pushed me whe i wanted pushed and she backed away when i needed rest.

It is my oldest brother that I feel I became the closest too in my time of healing. He took over the farm, took over all my business accounts, he kept the work force at peace and always working and at the days end he would walk into the house and kiss the top of my head every single day. We shared so much agression toward eachother in the past that my accident brought us closer than my sister and I. He pushed me harder than anyone and he never would let me give up.

What I learned most of all is how strong of a person I really am. Even through previous hardships of a divorce from a cheating spouse and losing an adoption, the grief of losing my grandmother, illnesses with my children that left them hospitalized for a brief time, i learned there was nothing I couldnt handle. I admit the accident was the biggie in my life, with huge setbacks, but the accomplishments i made each day, each week, each month left me with a feeling that is indescribable. Those accomplishments left me feeling confident and stronger.

As I have overcome my accident fully now and starting a new chapter in my life. I can look back and say "Damn Haley You did good girl!"

Where do I go from here? Im not so sure, where ever the next road leads me I guess. But one thing is for sure, I know whatever obstacle comes my way, I will be able to defeat it because I have already defeated the worst in my life.

Do I continue on with this blog? Or do i make another?

Today I confess....it feels great to feel this damn good :)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Dandelion Thoughts

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This morning I walked along the edge of the woods, I wanted to go into the woods, but felt that maybe I wasnt ready to climb over broken trees, and rotten logs that laid on the ground. Maybe I wasnt ready to fight the briars that would reach out and grab me, prickling me with their thorns, but soon, soon I will be back going through my daily walks in the woods.

I reflected on alot of things this morning but the main thing was my recovery from the accident. Sure it was long, and rather rough at times. I cried many tears, had quite a good many break downs, and was filled with so much anger the first couple of months after getting out of the hospital.
I reflected on all that I had been through, material things that I had lost and physical things that I had lost. The material things was certainly my Blazer, but the physical, was the love I had for one man. Well honestly, I cannot say I lost that love, because it is still here deep in my heart, but I lost the relationship I had with him. It was hard for both of us to accept the fact that the higher powers took away from us many dreams and plans, and because of my own selfishness and my own insecurites I pushed him away into the arms of another.

I bent over and picked up a dandelion whose yellow blossom had given way to the soft white grey fuzz ball. Like a child, I made a wish and blew the fuzz off the ball. All my fuzzies blew into the air. My wish would come true now. I then had a wonderful thought. I picked up another stem of dead dandelion with the fuzz ball. As I held it between my fingers, I looked at each little fuzz, and I reflected once again. The therapy I went through with the brain injury was now behind me, and today its like I never even had one. The scar on my back, is still visible, and will always be there, but I cant see it. Maybe, just maybe, if I cant see it, I will forget it is there. The heartache that I feel sometimes from losing the one I fell so deeply inlove with, still likes to linger from time to time. The hell and pain I put my family through has now resolved to happiness among us once again, and we all can look back and know that we all have been forgiven and continue on with our lives. I look back, and remember his words exactly to me, when he told me that he had moved on and I told him I would too...truth is I have moved on but I still think so much about him. As I looked at that fuzz ball in my hand and each little fuzzy on it, I spoke each problem I had out loud to each little speck of fuzz. The other day I learned that HE is happy now. After we both knew that we had lost eachother I only begged for happiness for him because in the condition I was in, I could not offer him that happiness. I had wished one evening for him to be happy again, and my wish came true. I can talk to him and still tell him my deepest fears, and I can be myself and he never judges me for that. I can tell him my deepest, darkest, secrets and he doesnt shy away from them. We still speak the I Love You's and the I miss You's but each night I know he lays down with her.

So as I reflect back, its not necessarily the physical pain that still lingers with me, but the pain of loving and losing and not being able to be in control of emotions. Some would say that overcoming the physical pain would be the hardest for them. For me, it was the pain pills that eased the physical pain, but the oxycontin, the oxycodone, the lortabs, and even the morphine pills when I first got out of the hospital could never take away the pain of a heart ache.

I have regained my mobility back fully, and I have regained all I had lost physically. Im as good as new. It took 5 months, but what the hell, it was a long 5 months but with each baby step I made, I came closer and closer to overcoming all that hindered me.

I know the hell I have put my friends and family through over the last few months. The anger bursts I would have, I look back on and see what an idiot I had been. I was always so confident, yet the accident left me with many insecurites. It was with those insecurities that I pushed him away. But never once did he give up on the friendship, he held on to that, and never once did he neglect me or stop checking in on me. He may have another now, and he truly deserves the best, but the thing I think Im most thankful of...is the bond we have, the strong bond of friendship that no one could ever break. Maybe we were put through a test. Did we fail? No, not at all, we passed with a perfect score because we held on to the most important part of what we had...our friendship.


I held my fuzzy ball by the stem in my hand, tears wanted to pool in my eyes, but I fought them back. With each thought and each problem I had just announced to each little fuzzy, I then blew it hard. I blew those negative thoughts, all the sorrow I had been feeling, and all the lonliness into the air. They were free now. I stood and watched every little fuzzy float through the air that carried my thoughts and emotions. A few continued to fly into the distance I could no longer see. A few floated to its final resting place on the ground, and one...I kid you not, landed just above my left breast on top of my heart. I let it rest there for a moment...not sure which sorrow that fuzz held or even if it was a sorrow, but to me, it seemed that as if it was symbolizing no matter how hard I try and forget and blow HIM away, He will always be in my heart and we will always be best friends.

Today I confess....He will always be my best friend no matter where our love flows. Thank You Doc!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Quick Update and apologies

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I would like to apologize for being away from the blogging world for the last little while. I had to learn to deal with a few things that was going on in my personal life and also concentrate more on my healing from my accident in Janurary. I am happy to say I am no longer wearing my back brace, and Im happy to say that I can walk up my flight of stairs now to my own bedroom and I really cant tell you how great that feels!! I also bought a 2009 Chevy Avalanche but have not been cleared from the Doctor yet to drive so that sux, however I do drive it around the farm haha. I hope soon I can be zipping up and down the roads once again. I have also started back working fulltime at the office at the farm and that too feels sooo very good.

The sad situation is...my Mother had a stroke. That scared me. I had to stop and think how much my mother actually meant to me, and how scared I was if I lost her. I think after all the years of somewhat abuse, I was able to put all the bad aside, and try and forget and to be able to tell her I loved her. I did that on MOther's Day. After she had her stroke, I was so afraid of losing a strong woman who did nothing but put me down in the past, however she made me a strong person. She was and is my mother, and I couldnt imagine life with out her. I was hurt and angry and very well pissed off that this could happen to her. Today she is doing much better although she is still weak on her right side but taking some therapy. She will recover because she is so strong.

So, thats basically whats been going on in my life recently and now that things are calming down, I will be back blogging once again!!!!

Today I confess...I missed blogging

Monday, May 11, 2009

My Mother's Day Gift My Mother Will Take To Her Grave

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Yesterday my Mother, my siblings and their families gathered at my house for a wonderful cookout. My brothers were all gathered around the grill showing off their masculine grilling skills, while the teens gathered talking of boys, music and school. My sister chased the little ones through out the back yard as they squealed with voices that could pierce the eardrum. My mother and I sat at the pic nic table with my sister in law watching my brothers cook and laughing at Lonnie and Steve arguing over who was the best grill master.

Most Mother's Day in the past have not been like this. Mother's Day in the past was just a simple call from me to my Mother wishing her a Happy Mother's Day. I always
dreaded it too, because I knew she would never say thank you, but would always tell me the beautiful gifts she received from my siblings. I tried to rectify this one year by giving her a photo album filled with photos of all the children and grandchildren. I had worked really hard on it, not to mention that I spent 30.00 for that particular album because I liked the floral design. Till this day I remember her exact words, "That's nice Haley, but after all these years, why would you give me something with such little value?" she exclaimed. My siblings cleared the room, dragging their children with them. The fireball temper exploded and I voiced how maybe I was just trying to show my appreciation, how just maybe, that I THOUGHT it had meaning when all her children and grand children were in that photo album. Of course I said other things that really shouldn't be repeated on this blog, and I stormed out the door yelling for my kids to get in the car. It was always that way with my Mother. We never saw eye to eye and we never had a mother/daughter relationship. I moved in with my grand parents when I was 14 to avoid the slaps that I often received from my Mother. Mother and I couldn't be together longer than an hour without fighting and as long as I can remember, the words I LOVE YOU were never spoken.

Mother's Day for me has always been joyful with my own children. I learned early in life that I would never be able to have children. I would never experience the joy and the bliss of carrying a child in my womb. I would never be able to experience the miracle of giving birth. I would never know what it felt like to have a child grow inside of me, but I had a drug addict best friend who made my dreams come true.

Cindy and I were best friends at one time, we were inseparable. We had been friends since childhood. When I fell in love at 16 and married at 19, Cindy and I went our separate ways. I had dreams of being the best wife possible, dreams of a house with a picket fence, and a dog, and dreams of having kids. I would be the best mother. I would be the mother my own mother never was. I gave up my partying ways, yet Cindy never did. We often would talk on the phone and reminisce of our wild times together. We would often laugh of our drug experimentations and the craziness of all we did. She once told me she missed all that, and to a degree I did too. I didn't miss the drugs, but I missed hanging with my best friend. When I learned I couldn't ever have children I confided in Cindy my pain, my hurt and my sorrow of not being able to conceive. Cindy had comforting words but it was not comfort enough when I knew I would never be able to have kids.

Cindy began to change, our phone calls became less and less, and even our visits with each other had come to an end. Cindy's simple experiments with drugs turned habitual. Her drugs of choice, cocaine, crack, and crystal meth. Every so often Cindy
would call me, but her calls were always after she had snorted or smoked up most of everything she owned. There were times she begged for money, and I often felt guilty for never giving her any, but I would not be the one to supply her drug habit. Cindy became really angry with me for not helping her purchase her drugs and she finally quit calling me all together.

Two years passed and Cindy came walking up on the farm one day. I worked on my grand daddy's farm since the age of 14, and Cindy knew she would be able to find me there. When she approached me I didn't know who she was at first. The drugs had really turned this beauty queen into someone I didn't even recognize. We sat down and talked for a few minutes and then she told me she was pregnant. I remember how pissed I had become at this announcement. I wondered why in the world would God give her a child and deny me the child I had often dreamed of. I really in truly didn't want to hear anymore of what Cindy had to say, I was sickened by the fact. She ended up telling me she was going to get an abortion, and I became even more irate with
her. All I ever wanted was a child. I worked hard, I was a good wife, and I couldn't understand why in the hell God would bless this crackhead with a child. I remember yelling, and asking her to leave and never come back again.

That day my grandmother sat me down and said "Haley you want that baby don't you?"
I fell into my grandmothers arms and started to sob. It was so unfair how God cheated me out of having children yet blessed Crackhead Cindy with one, and all she was going to do was throw it away! I just couldn't understand why God had been so cruel to me. My grandmother pulled me away from her shoulder, and held my face
in her hands, "Go find her Haley, and tell her you will adopt the child, your grandfather and I will help you"

Seven months later, I was assisting the doctor in delivering the baby. My hands held the tiny human exiting from the womb. I cut the umbilical chord, and she was placed into my arms. I sobbed. This was my child, MY CHILD, I was holding MY child.
Through my tears and sobs I asked Cindy did she want to hold her, she shook her head, "She is yours Haley".
I was finally a mother! Ironically enough, Aimee was born on Mother's Day!

Cindy never wanted anything to do with Aimee, she didn't want any part of her. I never heard from Cindy again, till almost two years later, when I saw her walking up on the farm. My grandmother was on the front porch watching Aimee play in the yard. I yelled at my Grandmother, "Take her inside NOW". I feared the worst. I feared Cindy was coming to try and take my precious Aimee. I was proved wrong when she announced she was pregnant again. Once again I became filled with anger. Once again I ran her off the property, and asked her to stay out of my life. She told me she couldn't abort the child because she was too far into the pregnancy. I didn't want to hear it! She begged and pleaded, and I slapped her. The anger was just too much for me to bare and I slapped her across the face. I yelled and explained how because of her drugs Aimee had a heart condition that she would live with the rest of her life. I yelled and told her how a night doesn't go by that I don't listen to little Aimee's heart beat hoping and praying it was still beating, all because of her freaking drugs! I once again yelled for her to leave and never come back and if she couldn't stop doing the drugs then keep her God forsaken legs closed. I ran in the house grabbing Aimee into my arms, explaining to my Grandmother that Cindy was pregnant again. This time her words were ''Do what you have to do Haley, but I don't think that child should be born into the system. God is blessing you, you re just too angry to see it"

Once again, I was assisting the doctor with the birth, cutting the umbilical chord, and holding my 2ND daughter, sobbing over the mysterious ways God had blessed me.
This time I did not offer to let Cindy hold her, I didn't want her anywhere near her. I was selfish and I didn't even want her laying her eyes on her. I kept my back turned to her as I cried over my tiny miracle in my arms.

Yesterday, we celebrated Mother's Day, and we celebrated Aimee's 16Th birthday. As Aimee blew her candles out, tears filled my eyes, my baby was growing, she had become a young woman. I watched her laugh, her big beautiful green eyes sparkling, and at that moment, she looked exactly like Cindy did at 16 years old. Visions of Cindy and I flashed before my eyes and I remembered Cindy's 16Th birthday and how much fun we had. I also remembered Cindy blowing out her candles and saying "Sweet Sixteen and never been kissed but that wont last long" and how I laughed till I cried. I watched Aimee cut the first slice of chocolate cake, her eyes met my own tearful eyes, "Whats wrong?" she asked. All too often I have a tendency to speak before thinking, and it slipped "You look just like your Mother" I said. Aimee didn't flinch, she just looked at me and said "If I looked my Mother I would have red hair, freckles and blue eyes. I look like someone named Cindy, but I have my Mama's heart and my Mama's love" and then she produced a big beautiful grin. I cannot even begin to explain how my heart swelled.

It's been almost 14 years since I have seen or heard from Cindy. Some days I do think about her and wonder where she is and even if she is alive. I have talked with both my girls about Cindy, and have even told them both of some of the wild stories we shared. I have shown them childhood pictures of Cindy and I and pictures of Cindy and I as teens. Those photos are packed away, but the girls know they are there, and if they ever want to see them again, they are more than welcome.

I realized yesterday that I owe Cindy a lot. She was my best friend till the drugs took over. I offered her help, but she was never willing to accept. Although I had so much anger toward her, never once did she ever forget my dreams of being a mother. Cindy gave me something no one else ever could. Cindy gave me Motherhood.

Since my accident Mother and I have learned to put our differences aside. I think my near death experience in my wreck had something to do with that. We don't fight as often, we don't shout harsh words at each other any longer, and sometimes she even tells me how sorry she is about our past.

Yesterday, Mother opened her gifts from my siblings, which ranged from a blown glass rose, to slippers and a robe, to littte knick knacks. There was NOT a gift sitting on the table from me. Somehow I think deep down she knew there wasn't going to be. I could see the look on Mother's face, that although she had tried like hell to make all our wrongs right since the accident, I should have at least put forth some effort in a gift. Even my siblings had that same look. My oldest brother actually looked quite pissed.

I was sitting beside Mother at the pic nic table, I turned my body to face her, "Mama look at me" I said. She turned toward me. I took her face in my hands and looked her in the eyes "I love you Mama, I always have and I always will. You re my Mother, nothing will ever change that, and I Love You". I then kissed her on the lips and wrapped my arms around her neck. "That's your mother's day present mama, I love you" I whispered. She pulled away and for the first time in my life, I saw tears streaming down my Mother's cheeks.

She looked at the gifts sitting in front of her and said "The slippers and robe will wear out, and I will end up throwing them away after much use. The knick knacks here are lovely, and may even get broken one day. The glass rose will go into my collection, and probably be handed down to Kelly when I'm tired of them or when I'm dead and gone, but Haley, your gift I will take to to my grave, thank you Precious, and I Love You so very much"

Today I confess....It took me 38 years, but I finally gave my Mother the Mother's Day present I think she truly appreciated. It also took 38 years for my Mother and I to say I LOVE YOU to each other. It took 38 years for me to realize that Cindy gave me the perfect Mother's Day gift of a life time, not just on Mother's Day, but every day.






Sunday, May 3, 2009

Making Love in the Rain on the Baby Grand Piano

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As I laid across my bed, I was remembering yesterday sitting under the Oaks. My mind in another place. I could feel the swift wind in my cinnamon hair. I could feel the sun on my skin as it peeked through the branches. I was oblivious to the nature surrounding me, I was entranced by his words. I was feeling a sense of peace, I had not felt in quite awhile. His words embraced me and I found complete joy at that moment. I could smell his smell from afar, and I could feel his eyes upon me. I placed my hand upon my heart, felt it beat inside, every beat to his every word.

I closed my eyes only for a second, to feel his presence behind me. I felt his breath against my neck, felt his hands caress softly against my skin, and I heard his soft voice in my ears. Chills ran up and down my spine, and I shivered. I wanted to feel his velvet soft lips against my back. I wanted to feel his tongue trail down my spine to the small of my back and softly kiss the dimples above my buttocks as his arms wrapped around me from behind. One hand gently gliding across my breast, the other under my shirt caressing my bare belly.


My heart skipped a beat and I gasped. Remembering the scar, so visible, from the scalpel used to slice through my skin to mend my broken bones and organs. He doesn't care about the scar, but I do. Its a symbol of what was taken from me. A mere flaw one might say. My siblings say it should be a symbol of my survival, my will, my determination. To me its a grotesque symbol of months of pain. A daily reminder of that cold January day and suddenly I no longer wanted too feel his kisses on my back.

The sun is swallowed by grey clouds and I feel the coolness it brings. I laugh at his simple jokes and think how much I have missed him, how he always made me smile. I think of the regrets and wish I could toss them away. I damn my sister at that instant, for making decisions for me when my mind wouldn't work.

The clouds began to release their moisture, just a fine mist of rain. I didn't mind, it felt nice on my sun burned skin. I made my way to the porch, careful not to fall, careful not to trip over the crutches that aide me in walking. I take comfort in my straight back chair, it feels good on my mending broken back. He tells me of the things he wants to do to me. My mind begins to spin. Dreams I thought were lost, were now found again. New dreams were spoken and new dreams came to light. The rain began to pour, I watched it beat against the rose petals. Suddenly, I remembered, I wanted to make love in the rain. I wanted to feel the rain sting against my body. I wanted to feel it trickle down my back, as he lifted me, holding me up against his body by my buttocks. My legs and arms embracing him tight as we become one in the rain.

Lightening struck from afar, the thunder rumbled and I could feel it's vibration inside of me. The storm would not last long, just a small springtime storm in eastern Georgia. He tells me he wants to walk with me through the woods surrounded by the beauty of the green and brown hues. We would walk hand in hand, stopping only to kiss, maybe to even to make love.

The rain began to weaken, the wind blew droplets of water on my skin. I became weary when said he had to go. Wondering, when will I see him again. He told me he was sorry, but today I realized those dreams were never forgotten. The fires still burned and the loneliness still ached. Those 3 words were not spoken, but the love still existed deep within our souls.

As I sat on the porch in complete solitude listening and watching the placid rain drops, tears began to form in my eyes. My joy replaced by fears, replaced by sadness, replaced by regrets. I regretted like hell my own selfishness, my own stupidity. I had feared his rejection, yet I was the one who rejected him. There was not one damn time that I ever imagined us being apart, but my own selfishness pushed him away, straight into the arms of another.

I dried my tears before entering the house. I walked through the wooden
door feeling drained, but yet, I felt alive, loved, yet saddened by what I let slip away. I could feel my mind beginning to spin, the all too familiar whirl wind of emotions spinning out of control.

And then she called to me...


She called to me begging me to release. She asked for my pain, my dreams, my sorrows, my Love. She begged to feel my fingers upon the ivory keys she possessed. She wanted to feel them gracefully move up and down, delicately stroking and gliding, so she could calm the storm in my mind. She wanted to extinguish the fires of desire that burned within and quench the thirsting of my soul.

My fingers quivered, the rhythm of my heart was no longer steady. I took a seat on the padded ebony bench. My mind drifted for a moment as I sat in front of her majestic beauty. Too much had been taken from me on that cool day. Would I ever get it all back? Ive tried this before, the melodies just weren't the same. My mind could no longer comprehend the notes that pooled inside my brain. I had let my temporary disabilities consume my emotions and turn them into a violent rage, and a distinctive depression. Thinking of all my regrets, of all I had lost, of all that I will regain. Thinking of him and the time we lost. I laid my fingers on her keys. Tears wanted to sting my eyes but I tried fighting the burning. I felt a hand on the back of my shoulder. "Are you ok?" my younger brother asked. I looked up into his bright blue eyes, my own deep dark blue irises clouded with tears. I shook my head, and I whispered "I need your help"


He knows all my pain, he knows most of my secrets, I share too much with him at times. Conceived in the the same womb, birthed from the same mother, our Fathers different, our love thicker than most siblings. We know each others passion, each other's weaknesses, we share the same musical talents but to a much a different degree. We are two siblings with years stretched between us but a bond that could never be broken. A love and bond so strong, we often feel what the other feels inside.

With his electric guitar in his hands he watched my face, waiting patiently for me to begin. Our eyes lock for a moment we can see each other's pain, we know how real it is. He knows what was taken from me that day, he was there. He saw me crumpled into a pile of brokenness, crimson blood against my pale freckled skin. He was frightened, He was scared and he begged and pleaded for me not lose the fight on life. His eyes burning into mine, I could feel them in my soul. I cannot hide the pain, the reality, he sees straight through. I cannot hide from a sibling who can see what words cannot speak. The corners of his lips turn up, to a small compassionate smile, "Just let it go" he says "and I will follow." referring to the music we were about to create.
I break the trance he held, I turn my thoughts back to the ebony polish baby grand that awaits me, begging to be fed.

My fingers gently glided across the keys, she absorbed my thoughts, and turned them into a beautiful melody. A softness of the electric guitar Id never heard from him before, accompanied the melody ringing from under my fingertips.
I felt my body go weak, my heart became still. My brother took my pain, my dreams, my Love, and collaborated his own music with mine. I could no longer see the keys, the tears fell like a small flowing river down my cheeks. I was releasing it all, all that was built up and feeding it to my passion and once again I was creating music.



Today I confess.... Secrets at Noon











Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A Little Whine Over the Swine

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Today I have been really annoyed over the whole Swine Flu epidemic, pandemic, bullshit!
Yesterday the school nurse called me to come pick up my 13 year old asthmatic daughter from school. She said she was sick, running a low grade fever, and she was complaining of her asthma. I told her it was going to be just a few minutes, because I had to hunt down my youngest brother to pick her up because I couldn't walk too good yet, much less drive. She said she understood and was real nice to explain to me that Lonnie wasn't on the list to sign her out but this one time would be fine.

I stayed in the car while Lonnie walked in to get Shelby and sign her out. When they came walking out, Lonnie was in front of Shelby and the school nurse was following behind. Lonnie looked at me and rolled his eyes. When she saw me she waved and very cheerfully said "Hi Haley, I'm glad to see you out and about how are you?"
When I replied "I'm OK and you?" she said "I hope Shelby feels better, you might want to think of trying to find a mask for her so her germs doesn't spread among the household, Id hate to see you get sick in your condition"
I looked at her like she had lost her mind. I heard Lonnie in the drivers seat mumble something under his breath. I then asked what in the world would she need a mask for? Simply ignoring the fact of "the condition" I'm in. She said "Oh in case its THE SWINE?" I just kind of looked at her still and then I said "I highly doubt she has the Swine Flu". I made sure I emphasised on The Swine Flu, her quirky nickname for it irritated me!
"Oh but Haley we cannot be to careful, we are sending them home with the first signs of it."
"But this isn't the Swine Flu" I urged.
"Well we cant be to sure, just get her to the doctor if her fever spikes and take care of yourself" she spun on her heals and energetically ran back in the school.
I looked over at my brother, who wrinkled his noise and made oink oink sounds.
Poor Shelby wasn't amused.

As the night went by Shelby started feeling better after taking her nebulizer and a couple of Tylenol. She returned to school this morning because they are having standardized testing. About 12ish i received the call to come get her, she was not feeling well. I asked a series of questions on how Shelby was feeling, what were the symptoms, was she running a fever, etc...and the nurse started getting snappy with me, she said "I told you yesterday if her fever spiked to take her to the doctor"
I had just about enough when i snapped back off on her and explained to her that Shelby's illness had nothing to do with The Swine Flu, had she even taken her damn temperature she would have noted that it was a tad lower than normal temps, but she was too worked over what she called THE SWINE to even care what her temps were. I asked her again if she had taken her temperature and she told me she hadn't but her face was awfully warm. I mumbled under my breath and told her we would be there soon.

She walked Shelby out to the car she asked again why I didn't take her to the doctor. Well first of all I am up to my ass in medical bills already, and secondly I do not see the point in it. The nurse said "well what if its the Swine? Look at all you re infecting"
Technically if it was the Swine Flu, she wouldn't have even felt like going to school this morning, she probably wouldn't even had wanted to get out of bed. I couldn't hold back or bite my tongue anymore "Well look at the fright you are putting in all these kids you are sending home at a little damn sniffle. YOU should really RECONSIDER your approach on the subject and YOU should have a tad more knowledge on the SWINE FLU before you start throwing out accusations. Shelby hasn't been around anyone, and you continue to call her out, call us out to pick her up, and personally I think its all bullshit!" Lonnie leaned over me telling her thank you for her concerns and we would handle the matter as we see fit, and he sped out of the parking lot telling me
how I need to bite my tongue more often.

Ok, So I lost it. I should have bitten my tongue. I shouldn't have said what I was thinking. Actually, I kinda did hold back a little but I'm just sick and tired of everyone going ballistic over this Swine Flu.

I agree, we should be alert, but to panic? To call out a child for sneezing and coughing from a cold? NO! Every year thousands of people die from the flu alone, this isn't so much different, except the fact that its just a different kind of flu.
Yes, I have been washing my hands, and making the kids wash theirs, but that's not because I am freaking out over this thing. I am just being safe, and using good hygiene.

Is the WHO, CDC and the MEDIA making too much of this? Are they not sending the world into a panic? Is it just me that feels this way or do others feel the same?

Tonight I have decided that maybe I should call the school nurse and offer my apologies for jumping down her throat. Maybe even invite her to dinner for some country fried SWINE chops and collard greens cooked with a big huge SWINE (ham)hock!

Today I confess....THE SWINE is getting on my nerves!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The TRUTH is....

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This morning after my daughters left for school, I sat on the front porch in one of the straight back chairs, to enjoy the beautiful sounds and sights of the bright morning. Wrapped up in one of my Grandmother's multicolored afghans to keep the chill off, I started thinking about how the TRUTH can really hurt people's feelings.
As I was recovering from a brain injury from my accident, my neuropsychologist would often give me single words to reflect on. Two of those words were Patience and Hope. Those were the two that seemed to help me the most. This morning, one single word kept playing in my mind...TRUTH. I sat wrapped in my afghan thinking how the TRUTH can be quite damning sometimes.
As human beings we do not want to hear the TRUTH when we feel it is going to hurt us. Some of us beg for TRUTH, and liars always have a hard time speaking the TRUTH. As parents we try and teach our children not to tell a lie. We sometimes tell them the story of our first president, "Father, I cannot tell a lie, I cut down the cherry tree". With that, there is speculations in TRUTH that George Washington was not the first president, but some believe John Hanson was. TRUTH be known, we may never know who was the first president. Some believe that George Washington became the first president under the constitution we follow today. There are beliefs that 6 more presidents were elected after John Hanson's term. Is there TRUTH that there were 7 forgotten presidents?
When we ladies ask "do these jeans make my butt look big?" Are we really seeking the TRUTH? Do we really wish to know the the TRUTH? Men often result to a little white lie in fear of hurting ones feelings upon such a simple question.
We were taught to speak the TRUTH for the TRUTH will set you free.
We played the childhood game TRUTH or Dare, and some of us, like me, chose TRUTH over a dare. Sometimes we avoid the TRUTH in fear that we will get in trouble. I remember a time when I was about 5, my mother and my neighbor warned me over and over not pet the neighbor's chihuahua, for he would bite. One day I wandered over to the neighbors house. The chihuahua was outside yipping and yapping at me. I couldn't imagine such a tiny thing being so mean. I reached down to pick him up, and was bitten on the lip and nose. One of his teeth cut the side of my nose and I was bleeding pretty bad. I was scared to go home and tell my mother what happened for I feared her often abusive hand. When she asked what happened, the first thing that popped in my mind "I fell on a pine cone" Apparently the cut was pretty deep because I had a "butterfly" stitch applied to side of my nose. It was 20 years later before I ever confessed the TRUTH to my mother. She was telling someone how I cut my nose and lip on a pine cone as child. "Well Mom, TRUTH is, I picked up that damn chihuahua and he attacked my face" Why I was suddenly compelled to tell the TRUTH after all those years is a mystery to me, but the TRUTH set me free. No longer did I have to feel the guilt of lying to my Mother about that Chihuahua!
For the most part I have always been an honest person, yet I have spoken my share of a few white lies.
I tried teaching my daughters TRUTH is always better than a lie. When my youngest daughter was 3 years old, there was a little old lady telling her how precious she was. Shelby kept backing away from her. The lady made a comment of Shelby being shy. Shelby was by far from shy and I had a feeling why she was backing away. I had hoped that Shelby would remain quiet, when suddenly she squealed "I'm not shy, You have a big green boogie in your nose!" Sometimes the TRUTH is best left unsaid!
The majority of the reason why I was reflecting on TRUTH so much this morning was simply because in speaking the TRUTH to a dear friend, I hurt their feelings. Speaking the TRUTH in how I felt was not what they wanted to hear, yet I have a hard time in keeping quiet, and I continued to voice the TRUTH in what I felt. In speaking the TRUTH I caused pain in both he and myself. What I voiced was the TRUTH in me, what he voiced was the TRUTH in him, those two TRUTHS were two totally different views. His a softer TRUTH, mine a more volatile TRUTH.
The TRUTH can be so explosive sometimes and I guess that's why some of us refrain from the TRUTH.
There are times we simply just do not want to hear the TRUTH.
With my brain injury, I became a mean person. I was self centered, and I spoke too much TRUTH, and would often cry when I realized the damages done. In speaking angrily TRUTHS I pushed those away who meant alot to me.
Some understood, Some didn't, but the TRUTH is, I damaged feelings in both others and myself and there was not much I could do to take away that hurt. No matter how much I offered my apologies, the damage was done.
In learning to deal with my anger, my depression, and deal with situation, I realized how many people in my life were affected by my accident, thanks to my brothers Steve and Lonnie. My sister always took a soft approach to my anger outbursts, my brother Lonnie did not. He fought back, yelling right back at me. One day he got in my face, nose to nose, and yelled "Haley, you have become a self centered bitch no one wants to be around! Wake up! You were not the only one who suffered in this accident, we all have! We all changed our lives to take care of you, and you're too wrapped up in your own little pity party to see the TRUTH. We cant help you when you wont help yourself" Those TRUTHful words stung, and hurt. I cried for hours.
Simply put, TRUTH hurts. But with that hurt, we become stronger and wiser. My sister Kelly tried calming Lonnie, who in return yelled at her "No Kelly, she needs to know the damn TRUTH instead of you babying her all the time"
He was right, and with that TRUTH I realized I had become a self centered bitch, and I vowed I would never be again.
I realized how much my family has done for me, how my harsh words have hurt and pushed people away. How I had let my inadequacies infuriate and hurt the people who meant the most to me. I wanted to make things right, and I knew I had to confess my wrongs and I had to admit the TRUTH!
It was that TRUTH yelled by my brother that has gotten me this far. I worked harder in my physical therapy, I worked harder in psychological therapy and I let myself be taught how to fight to become whole again.
I realized how much TRUTH in my life has made me stronger.
When I learned the TRUTH of my ex husband's infidelity, it hurt at first, but I gained from it. I became more confident in myself as I healed from that pain. I worked harder to provide for my girls, I became independent, and I became much more wiser to men in my life.....ok, that last statement might not be so TRUE!
When I was told the TRUTH by doctors that I could never have children, I proved them wrong by adopting my two daughters.
When I was told farming was not a woman's job you will never make it, I worked harder to prove the TRUTH that I could do it and today I have a very successful and diverse farm.
TRUTH is so harsh, yet we can grow, learn, and become someone stronger in learning the TRUTH.

Today I confess....The TRUTH

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Fighting

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Today I laid alone deep in my own thoughts. Absorbed by my own insecurities. Wondering why life has to take so many twists and turns. I let my thoughts wander to a time where I felt the strongest in my life, where I felt I was on top of the world, where I felt I was in complete control, a time where
I felt whole and complete. I was my own person, raising my daughters alone, yet secure, confident,and independent. Today I let myself be depleted by my own inadequacies, apprehending the realization of what I no longer am and who I no longer am.
As tears began to fill my eyes, I realized I was letting too much negativity consume me and for a moment I let myself be held captive by my own adversity.
I needed to relinquish these dark and dreary thoughts and find once again my fortitude to move onward.
I have overcome so much in my past that has made me stronger and wiser, there was no need to let this adverse sudden feeling of failure and guilt consume me. There is nothing I can do to change the current situation at hand, there is nothing I can do to take away what has been done.
I am halfway there, the worst is behind me. I can look back on happier times and smile a tearful smile, and embrace gracious memories. Yet I can look ahead and embrace the knowledge that this is one of God's requirements to obtain the rainbow at the end of my journey. Knowing that a more confident, smarter, stronger me will emerge when my journey has ended and I begin to embark on another.
I look ahead into the future knowing there is a bright light in the darkness that often swallows me.
I know right around the corner there is hope, hope is my future. I search for hope knowing that holding
on to hope is what will get me through. If I lose hope, then I have lost it all.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Consumption

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I laid in the bed last night, letting the darkness consume me. I wrapped myself in the softness of my comforter, feeling
the warmth against my chilled body, waiting patiently for the narcotics to dull the never ending pain. I wanted to
relinquish all the negative thoughts that began to run rapid. I would not let myself be consumed by the negativity I often feel.
Remaining postive in a time so trying, is often difficult. I have to learn to fight those negative feelings away. As I began
to fight between what was so negative in my thoughts, to the positiveness that I often forget, I realized for the first
time since my accident, I cant undo this, I cant go back and undo this. I think I have spent too much time focusing
on what I cant do, than focusing on what I CAN do. Someone told me I focus too much on the past. Its the past that
I want back. Its the past that I tend to focus more on than dealing with the current situation at hand. When I discovered the
infidelity of my exhusband 4 years ago, I didnt waste time looking back into the 16 years we had spent together, instead I
took that hurt and anger and extinguished the flames that burned me. I was woman enough, smart enough, wise enough,
to learn that his loss was my gain and never once did I look back. When my Grandmother died, I felt a very big part of me
died with her at first, but I came to realize that was not how she would want me to feel, she would want me to keep her memories alive and remember what we had and not be consumed by the sadness. I didnt look back on the regrets with her, because I had none, instead I focused on every single thing she instilled me, all her wisdom, all her morals, and I would live with her wise words and continue to follow in the path of wisdom
she laid in front of me. I kept her alive inside of me.
When I almost lost the farm, I had to focus on the situation at hand, I had to look into the future, and I had to learn believe in myself. I would not let what my Grandfather gave me be taken by my poor choices I made in a relationship.
I would not let my farm be robbed of me. I had to make a decision real quick, and I had to put my stubborness on the back burner, I had to face
the one I fought the most with, I had to succumb to a weakness, to hide the pride, and I had to admit to my oldest brother I needed help.
I was unable to fight the battle alone. He knew it was a big step in admittance for me, and never once did he condemn me for my mistake, instead, he pulled me through and told me to continue on and not look back.
My accident left me not only broken with many broken bones and mind, but also a broken spirit.
A couple of weeks ago, my oldest brother Steve took me for a long ride just to get me out of the house, so he said, but I knew that
it was also because he needed to talk to me away from others in private.
As we drove through the long country roads lined with new budding green leaves on trees, green grass starting to spring, and flowers starting bloom, he pointed
out the beauty of nature, the beauty of spring emerging.
"Haley, you have lost your spirit, you have let everything consume you, you have let it take you away, and you have given up your will to fight"
I wanted to argue, but in reality I knew he was right. "The old Haley would have never given up, she would have fought tooth and nail"
I wanted to scream, I wanted to hit him, I think mainly because , truth hurts, and I knew he was only speaking the truth and that truth angered me.
He went on to say "When I stood by your bedside with you in a coma, I knew you would not be able to fight alone, I knew we would all
pull together and help you in this battle, but you have given up on the fight Haley, and we can no longer help you when there is no fight. You
cant help somebody when they wont help themselves"
I sat in silence, motionless, still as a rock, I was hurt by his words. My brothers and sister were giving up on me, I felt I was a lost cause.
Weakness consumed me, I began to cry. I couldnt force the tears back no matter how hard I tried, I quit fighting, I let them flow.
He let me cry for a few minutes in our silence as his words rolled through my brain.
"Haley, let me explain something, in a way I think you may relate to. You love nature, look around once again at all the spring colors, the life that
is budding through" he spoke. I looked at the beauty of the brilliant new green leaves, the bright pink among cherry blossoms, and dogwoods, the soft
yellow in daffodils, the different shades of fuscia, pink, red, and white in the azeleas..."its pretty" I managed to whisper.
"And so are you Haley, but your attitude has become weak and ugly and you are bringing others down with you" he went on to say...
"Haley nature around us lays dormant in the winter months, it takes a rest, it takes a break, because it needs all the energy
to make the brilliant beautiful colors in the spring. When spring arrives, nature wakes from its dormancy and it begins to spring forward to give us
the beauty and make us feel alive, does that make sense Haley?" I nodded, he continued "You have laid in a dormant period Haley, its time
to spring forward, move ahead, and not look back on the past you can no longer recapture, but to focus on letting your beauty shine through
again. Regain your fight Haley, youre a redhead, you were born to fight, and you need to fight, your dorminancy is over with Haley. Spring flowers
will die Haley but they make way for the summer flowers to bloom. You will spring back Haley and with each new step, fighting head on
what lies ahead of you, and you will make way for new summer flowers, new steps, new goals, and a new life"
I let his words sink into me for a few days. I let them play over and over in my head like a broken record. I let his words consume me and I concentrated on the truth he had spoken. I had to make things right in the ones I had hurt in my bitterness, and after I did that I tried tossing it all behind me, and concentrating on the present and the future.
Last night I realized, it is all behind me now, and its time for me to spring forward, move on, dont look back on what I have lost, but to
look at what im gaining, focus on the present, and focus on the future. Set goals and move closer to those goals.
Today I sit on the couch typing this, looking out the window from time to time, still seeing the destruciton of the tornado from
friday. Seeing the green leaves on the trees still standing, watching the rain fall against the many shades of green...
I have let the tornado take away the old, the wind blow away the negative, the rain wash away the sadness, and when
the sun peaks through, I will shine and shine like I have never shined before, and I will not look back, I will not be consumed
by what could have been, but I will allow myself to be consumed by what will be!


Saturday, April 11, 2009

Georgia Destruction

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Oak uprooted and laying across one of my barns and shed











Hell hath no fury when it comes to mother nature. one minute the sun is shining, youre planning everything out for a pic nic with family and friends for the following day, when suddenly, within an hour youre left in total darkness, total silence, from an F2 tornado.
I love a good storm, the more intense they are, the more i love them. I have to admit, I was scared shitless last night.
I now know first hand what a tornado sounds like as it passes over, sparing your home and loved ones. However some were not so lucky. I lost all my oak trees, but my pecan trees held up. I didnt get much damage to the peach trees at all, but all my oaks are gone. Its amazing to see the destruction, its scary to realize that it could have been worse, yet the whole time wondering, what would have happened had it touched down on my house?
I called my sister in SC as the same storms headed her way, she was frantic telling me they had already hit and they too were without power. This morning we compared our tornado stories. She in SC with an F2, I in Georgia with an F2, we both thanked God we were spared and still had a bed to lay down in tonight.







(ignore the year on my camera it is not set right!!)










THE OAKS ON THE FARM, PASTURE AND NEAR THE HOUSE






MY SHED AND GARAGE

mygarage roof

foundmyshed

My dear employee's Nortrina's house

Nortrina's House

Just two miles down the road!!

2 miles downthe road

NO POWER

nopower





For more photos of the destruction around me and near me click here : http://s617.photobucket.com/albums/tt253/freckledgeorgiabelle/





























Monday, March 23, 2009

Introduction

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Years ago when I was in school, my 11th grade teacher wanted us to keep a journal for the entire year. She didnt really care what we wrote about, and asked that we write in it daily. It was the first time I had ever kept a journal or diary.
I enjoyed writing in that journal, writing thoughts in it that I would tell no other. That journal became my best friend, it held all my fears, dreams, sadness, and happiness. it held my failures and it held my triumphs. From that day forward, i kept a journal through out the rest of my life.
I didnt write in it every day, sometimes months went by before i would write, but my journals have been a part of me since my 11th grade year. i have them packed in boxes, boxes stacked among eachother in my closet, and every once in awhile i will get them out and reflect back on times in my past.
Then, I started blogging. I had blogs all over the place, i decided I would finally consolidate them all into one. The only problem with blogging...i would pour my feelings out, deep dark secret feelings and thoughts and people from all over the world were reading them. I decided I would keep more of the personal stuff in my journals. :-)

I had two seperate blogs, one on mulitiply and one on blogger. The one on mulitiply i used quite often, the one on blogger about once a week. Suddenly I developed a stalker on mulitiply and I closed my account completely. I then started using blogger more often.
I found blogging was very therapuetic and i got to the point where i honestly didnt care how many people read my blogs.

I opened up a new blog here on blogger due to one reason...my automobile accident.
Im not the same person I was. Im more vocal on things, i tend to get more angry than i used to and sometimes the depression is more than i can handle.
On Jan.25th 2009 I was tboned by a drunk driver going about 60 mph.
I was crushed into the passenger side of my blazer and my blazer flipped twice.
My brother was in the passenger seat, and my two daughters were in the back seat.
One daughter walked away unharmed, while my other daughter suffered broken ribs, and bruised liver, kidney and so forth.
My brother suffered a broken arm and many brusises and scratches.
I on the other hand suffered greatly. I thank God I do not remember any of it.
I was flown by helicopter to the nearest trauma center where they informed my family there was a slim chance I would make it.
I had 3 broken ribs which punctured my lung and i had to have it surgically repaired, ruptured spleen which was removed, and brusised kidney and liver.
My back was broken in 4 places and my pelvis was broken in 3 places.
My head took a one hell of a hit to the roof of the blazer and I had a brain injury.
I was put in a medically induced coma for a few days till the swelling in my brain came down somewhat.
Once I fully emerged from the coma, I learned of the accident and the extent of my injuries.
With the brain injury, I had to learn a few things over again, writing and spelling which i thought would come so naturally, didnt come naturally anymore.
Anger and depression was the main source of the brain injury, and words I used to not say suddenly flew my mouth with such ease. My brain had to be trained again so to speak to be able to some of the things i had forgotten.
My main problem with my brain now is, its like I have ADD. My mind is always racing, im always thinking and sometimes my mind just goes into overdrive and i cant seem to make sense of things.
I have neurosychologist who works with me on alot of these things and as well as behavioral issues which has gotten much better. :-)
I have physical therapist now who helps me recover from my broken bones, and helps me make baby steps now and to help me do for myself. I can stand, but for not long periods, I can walk with the help of a walker or my crutches and i prefer the crutches over a walker, but walking is painful and wheni say baby steps I really mean, small baby steps.
It has almost been 2 months since the accident and i can already see improvement in myself.
It does get frustrating but i know if i dont push myself when i feel like doing nothing i wont get anywhere.

With the brain injury, I feel i am no longer the same person whom i used to be, so i stopped writing in my old blog, and decided to start a new one, I hope you will follow along with me on my journey to a full recovery!

As I type this, im in the hospital for one more day...I had to be admitted over the other night because i developed pnumonia! ugggg

Haley