Monday, April 13, 2009

Consumption




I laid in the bed last night, letting the darkness consume me. I wrapped myself in the softness of my comforter, feeling
the warmth against my chilled body, waiting patiently for the narcotics to dull the never ending pain. I wanted to
relinquish all the negative thoughts that began to run rapid. I would not let myself be consumed by the negativity I often feel.
Remaining postive in a time so trying, is often difficult. I have to learn to fight those negative feelings away. As I began
to fight between what was so negative in my thoughts, to the positiveness that I often forget, I realized for the first
time since my accident, I cant undo this, I cant go back and undo this. I think I have spent too much time focusing
on what I cant do, than focusing on what I CAN do. Someone told me I focus too much on the past. Its the past that
I want back. Its the past that I tend to focus more on than dealing with the current situation at hand. When I discovered the
infidelity of my exhusband 4 years ago, I didnt waste time looking back into the 16 years we had spent together, instead I
took that hurt and anger and extinguished the flames that burned me. I was woman enough, smart enough, wise enough,
to learn that his loss was my gain and never once did I look back. When my Grandmother died, I felt a very big part of me
died with her at first, but I came to realize that was not how she would want me to feel, she would want me to keep her memories alive and remember what we had and not be consumed by the sadness. I didnt look back on the regrets with her, because I had none, instead I focused on every single thing she instilled me, all her wisdom, all her morals, and I would live with her wise words and continue to follow in the path of wisdom
she laid in front of me. I kept her alive inside of me.
When I almost lost the farm, I had to focus on the situation at hand, I had to look into the future, and I had to learn believe in myself. I would not let what my Grandfather gave me be taken by my poor choices I made in a relationship.
I would not let my farm be robbed of me. I had to make a decision real quick, and I had to put my stubborness on the back burner, I had to face
the one I fought the most with, I had to succumb to a weakness, to hide the pride, and I had to admit to my oldest brother I needed help.
I was unable to fight the battle alone. He knew it was a big step in admittance for me, and never once did he condemn me for my mistake, instead, he pulled me through and told me to continue on and not look back.
My accident left me not only broken with many broken bones and mind, but also a broken spirit.
A couple of weeks ago, my oldest brother Steve took me for a long ride just to get me out of the house, so he said, but I knew that
it was also because he needed to talk to me away from others in private.
As we drove through the long country roads lined with new budding green leaves on trees, green grass starting to spring, and flowers starting bloom, he pointed
out the beauty of nature, the beauty of spring emerging.
"Haley, you have lost your spirit, you have let everything consume you, you have let it take you away, and you have given up your will to fight"
I wanted to argue, but in reality I knew he was right. "The old Haley would have never given up, she would have fought tooth and nail"
I wanted to scream, I wanted to hit him, I think mainly because , truth hurts, and I knew he was only speaking the truth and that truth angered me.
He went on to say "When I stood by your bedside with you in a coma, I knew you would not be able to fight alone, I knew we would all
pull together and help you in this battle, but you have given up on the fight Haley, and we can no longer help you when there is no fight. You
cant help somebody when they wont help themselves"
I sat in silence, motionless, still as a rock, I was hurt by his words. My brothers and sister were giving up on me, I felt I was a lost cause.
Weakness consumed me, I began to cry. I couldnt force the tears back no matter how hard I tried, I quit fighting, I let them flow.
He let me cry for a few minutes in our silence as his words rolled through my brain.
"Haley, let me explain something, in a way I think you may relate to. You love nature, look around once again at all the spring colors, the life that
is budding through" he spoke. I looked at the beauty of the brilliant new green leaves, the bright pink among cherry blossoms, and dogwoods, the soft
yellow in daffodils, the different shades of fuscia, pink, red, and white in the azeleas..."its pretty" I managed to whisper.
"And so are you Haley, but your attitude has become weak and ugly and you are bringing others down with you" he went on to say...
"Haley nature around us lays dormant in the winter months, it takes a rest, it takes a break, because it needs all the energy
to make the brilliant beautiful colors in the spring. When spring arrives, nature wakes from its dormancy and it begins to spring forward to give us
the beauty and make us feel alive, does that make sense Haley?" I nodded, he continued "You have laid in a dormant period Haley, its time
to spring forward, move ahead, and not look back on the past you can no longer recapture, but to focus on letting your beauty shine through
again. Regain your fight Haley, youre a redhead, you were born to fight, and you need to fight, your dorminancy is over with Haley. Spring flowers
will die Haley but they make way for the summer flowers to bloom. You will spring back Haley and with each new step, fighting head on
what lies ahead of you, and you will make way for new summer flowers, new steps, new goals, and a new life"
I let his words sink into me for a few days. I let them play over and over in my head like a broken record. I let his words consume me and I concentrated on the truth he had spoken. I had to make things right in the ones I had hurt in my bitterness, and after I did that I tried tossing it all behind me, and concentrating on the present and the future.
Last night I realized, it is all behind me now, and its time for me to spring forward, move on, dont look back on what I have lost, but to
look at what im gaining, focus on the present, and focus on the future. Set goals and move closer to those goals.
Today I sit on the couch typing this, looking out the window from time to time, still seeing the destruciton of the tornado from
friday. Seeing the green leaves on the trees still standing, watching the rain fall against the many shades of green...
I have let the tornado take away the old, the wind blow away the negative, the rain wash away the sadness, and when
the sun peaks through, I will shine and shine like I have never shined before, and I will not look back, I will not be consumed
by what could have been, but I will allow myself to be consumed by what will be!


2 comments:

dhimas130184 on April 22, 2009 at 6:36 AM said...

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Mark Brown on July 2, 2009 at 1:42 AM said...

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